Hearts that we knew
by Ierpier
Summary: "Only this time he didn't come to promote a book, this time he came to say goodbye."
1. Chapter 1

**Owning Castle? I wish**

* * *

They still expected him to fall apart at any given time. Especially now, because everything would remember him of her. Alexis had insisted that he should not go. Afraid that her father would spiral back into the dark cavern that he had finally managed to crawl out of.

But he wanted his, said he needed to give her a proper goodbye. That he couldn't let these words go unsaid, even if the person they were meant for would never hear them.

And so it was that the writer walked into the hall where the book party was going to be held. Gina had gone all out to promote the conclusion to the Nikki Heat series. Alexis and Martha had hated her for pushing Castle to go to the party, but agreed to come with him, to support him. He smiled, waved and acted his usual self, but his presence seemed to lean on his daughter more than it ever had. As if he had trouble keeping himself upright. The ring around his neck weighed him down, behind the smiling eyes a vacancy that would forever rest there.

They still expected him to fall apart. But he wouldn't. Tonight was not about him, tonight was about her.

* * *

"It is the conclusion to the Nikki Heat series we've all read and loved." Gina's upbeat commercial voice sounded through the microphone. "All coming from the magic hands," –she winked, something that made both Alexis and Martha nauseous, "Of Richard Castle." She stepped backwards and Castle stepped onto the stage. He lifted his hands and the camera's flashed like a sea of lights. Exactly like they had when he came to promote the ending to the Derek Storm series.

Only this time he didn't come to promote a book, this time he came to say goodbye.

The crowd was silent, waiting for the writer to say something. Perhaps to read a part, give a summary or just use his usual charm. The cameras were on him, dozens of reporters watching him, and he said nothing. He looked at the book in front of him, the very last Nikki Heat book he'd ever write. He swallowed and realized how hard this was going to be. Then he picked up the book and opened it.

Started to read.

_To Kate._

_This will be the longest dedication I will ever write. It will also be the last. Because this dedication is everything I wish I could have said to you, but didn't. Everything I know I should have said, but was too scared for. Just as this book is everything I wish we could have become. This is the ending we never got, and I'm so sorry for that. _

_But I want you to know this._

_I love you.  
How could I not? You are the most extraordinary person that I have ever met in my life, you inspire me, challenge me and changed me for the better. I meant what I said that first dedication, and even though you do not remember, I meant what I said that time at the graveyard. If only I had leant my lesson that time. _

_There are so many things I want to tell you, so many times that I just wanted to burst out my love, that I wanted to kiss you, hold you and never let you go. I wish you could now how much I wanted to wake up next to you and bring you coffee in the morning. This is a secret I never told you; but I always assumed we would be all right in the end. That everything was eventually leading up to a happy ending. _

_I never expected us to end up like this. _

_I wear your mothers ring around my neck. I've never taken it off since your father gave it to me. I understand now. That's why the last thing I want to tell you is that I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry for digging up your past, for getting you in trouble, for making us end up here. I didn't understand before, but I do now, because I now know how it feels to lose someone you love. _

_This is the last Nikki Heat book I will ever write, I hope you like the ending._

_Kate,  
I've missed you since the moment your heart stopped beating.  
I will never forget you.  
I love you_

_Always_

His last word was no more than a whisper and the whole crowd was silent as the writer exited the stage.

He wasn't seen for the rest of the evening.

* * *

Somewhere, miles away from the city lights and the book party, tears were streaming down the face of Katherine Beckett.


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own a Castle. I also don't own Castle.**

* * *

Seeing him standing there with her mother's necklace around his neck and sadness pooling in his eye broke her heart. It hurt doing this to him, but she had to, to protect him. He would follow her to the end of the world, he would follow her to his death and she couldn't let him do that to himself, to his family. She knew what it was like to lose a parent, and she would not let it happen to Alexis.

The truth was as undeniable as it was bitter: Richard Castle simply loved her too much.

* * *

He hadn't intended for it to be this emotional, dramatic, but now he realized that it could never have gone any differently. He had thought, honestly, that it was going better, that he was getting over it. It had been over a month since he found Ryan and Esposito standing at his door.

He had known it before they said it.  
He didn't want to know it. They told him anyway.

They had found her not far from her apartment in a pile of garbage. Her ID and badge resting next to her. He had been told her body was badly charred and burned, that there was barely anything left of the Kate Beckett he knew. He had been holding on to that little bit of hope that perhaps there had been a mix up. That perhaps they had made a mistake. That perhaps the extraordinary Kate Beckett was still alive.

But she stopped calling him, stopped showing up at the precinct, and with every hour without her the reality started to creep in.

Still he didn't fully believe she was gone until he saw them putting her into the ground next to her mother. It only sank in after he had read the words carved in the marble stone resting above her head.

_Katherine Beckett  
Veritas vos liberabit_

What was perhaps most bitter was that they never found out what happened to her. They all assumed it was connected to her mother's killer, but there was nothing to work with. In the end she ended up like her mother: trying to get justice for others, but never getting it for herself.

And it was so immensely unfair.

* * *

"Dad?" He startled at the sound of his daughters voice, jerked from the awful memory to the even more awful present. It was only now that Castle regained consciousness of where he was: Sitting in his car, the door still open as if he had plunged into it to seek refuge. His hands tightly grasping the wheel, knuckles white, trying to regain control of the emotions he tried so hard to suppress. "Dad we should go home." Alexis softly said and Castle numbly nodded. Unable, at the moment, to care where they were going, as long as it was far away from the spotlights, from people asking questions and most importantly: from Nikki.

Nikki was over. She was living happily ever after with Rook, he had said goodbye to Nikki. He knew he had to, and he knew it had been the right decision. He could spend his life writing about Nikki and Rook, drowning himself in the fantasy world he made for himself. Maybe he could even be happy there, but it would always be a story. He couldn't do that to his family. This was the first step, saying goodbye to Nikki hurt, because it was like letting go of the last piece of Kate Beckett he still held.

But it was also the first step to recovery.

He would be okay, eventually.  
Just not yet.

* * *

She stopped counting the times she had picked up the phone, touched in his number and laid down the phone again. Put it away somewhere she could not reach it, where she could not be tempted. Those were the times she wished she could forget him, because no matter how much she severed all her ties to him, she couldn't sever him from her mind. His words were always on her mind.

She knew he loved her. She had been hiding from the words since she first heard them. Had been running from his love to protect herself from ever feeling completely abandoned in the world again. The truth was that now that she was alone hearing his words again, his promise of always, she felt more abandoned than she ever had before. Because now she really was alone, and he wouldn't be waiting for her, wouldn't chase her any longer.

There would be no one who would try to piece her heart together that had been broken all those years ago.

She just hoped that his heart wouldn't get broken like hers had.  
She just hoped that some part of him would still love her when she returned.  
If she returned.

She stared at the murder board she had created. The familiar photo's, faces and words blurring together until nothing was clear.  
She had to stop him, she was prepared to kill him if she had to. She had to find him if she wanted to return.

She couldn't stop her silent tears at the realization that was slowly sinking in. She might never find him.  
She might never return.

* * *

**AN:** **Wow, I'm amazed by the response I got to this story in just a few days time. I'm really glad you like my story, I will try to keep updating regularly :).  
Stay tuned for the next chapter.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**I still don't own Castle. Meh.  
**

* * *

It was a particularly bad evening for Castle, he found himself sitting with his laptop on the couch reading old Nikki Heat scenes that never made it to the books. Without Nikki to write about his evenings were spent with a bottle of liquor and his memories of times past. Ryan and Esposito had sent him home after he had been going through her file for hours. When he got home he had tried to contact Smith like he did every evening. All he ever got was disappointment. He had begged Martha and Alexis to go out of town for a week, said he needed to be alone. They wouldn't go until he nearly forced them to. There was no dignity in this, but there was also no reason for anyone to know it.

It was on that evening that he heard a careful knock on his door. He ignored it. Willed it to go away and leave him alone.  
"Mister Castle?" He barely recognized the voice, yet froze when he realized who it was at his door. He knew he should have, but he hadn't talked to Jim Beckett since Kate had disappeared. He hadn't even managed to look at him at her funeral, not even when Jim handed her Johanna's necklace and told him Kate would have wanted him to have it. He hadn't replied. He never would have expected him to show up at this door.  
"Rick?" Jim added and knocked at the door softly. For a split second Castle considered letting him stand on his porch, but eventually he got up and opened the door. It was his fault that Kate was dead and the blame was his burden to carry.

"Did my mother call you?" The words came out more hostile than they were intended. Jim shook his head and for a moment the two men just looked at each other. Both searching for familiar emotions, for answers, for anything to make this easier. He saw the grief in Jim's eyes, both new for his daughter and weathered, old, but still there, for his wife. His throat clogged all over again.  
"Do you want to come in?" Castle finally croaked out, unable to say anything that even mildly reminded him of Kate.  
Jim nodded. "Thank you Rick." Castle stepped back and led him into the loft. He vividly remembered the last time Jim was here. That time Jim had asked, almost begged him to stop Kate from losing another twelve years of her life to her mother's case. He had tried to stop her, tried to keep her safe in any way he could, but it had not been enough.

"Watch out with that stuff." Jim gestured towards the bottle. "It won't give you back anything. I'll only cost you more." Castle's eyes fell to the bottle and it hit him all over again that this man had lost not only his daughter to this, but also his wife. His eyes trailed from the bottle back to Jim and he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. Almost like the hand of the father he never had.  
"How are you holding up?" He asked kindly and led Castle to his own couch. The younger man shook his head and lifted his head to look into the grief-stricken eyes of Jim Beckett.  
"How can you ask me that? I mean. She was your daughter, and I pushed her, and your wife, your wife… I should be asking you this question. But I ran away instead, I didn't even talk to you, I…" He trailed off as his voice broke and he had to squeeze his eyes shut in an effort to calm himself. "If I were you I wouldn't want to face me ever again." He croaked out. His eyes fixated on the ground, tears stinging in his eyes.  
Jim sighed and again he felt the hand on his shoulder, felt how he was gently pulled upwards until he could look the older man in the face. "Castle, I don't blame you." He took in the pained look on the man's face. "For anything." He added until Castle turned his face away and let out a shaky breath. "I know what it's like to lose someone you love. I handled it worse the first time." He gestured again to the bottle of liquor and Castle read the guilt he felt himself reflected in the old man's eyes. "I know how much you cared about Katie, Rick. I also know how much she loved you."

All the tears that had Castle had managed to keep under restraint for days broke free at his words. Suddenly he felt Jim envelop him in a warm hug. He didn't say a word, just held him in the way a father would hold his grieving son.

"I don't understand how you do this. You lost your wife, your daughter. How…" he didn't finish his sentence as he choked on his tears. Jim released Castle but kept his hand on his shoulder. "How do you get over it?" Castle finally managed to choke out. Begging for anything to make it better, to numb the pain that still hit him when he least expected it.  
Jim shook his head. "You don't. But one day you'll wake up and you'll find that you don't mind carrying it around with you." He gently reached out to the necklace that was around Castle's neck and through his grief, smiled wistfully. Then he looked back up at Castle.  
"Son, don't make my mistakes. You have a daughter, do not do to her what I did to Katie." He stood up and glanced around again. His eyes resting on the screen that was Castle's own murder board. The photos of his wife and daughter in the middle. "Rick. I don't know you as well as Katie did. But I know Katie wouldn't want you to make her mistakes either. Don't get lost in the past like she did. There is still a life to be lived."

He didn't speak another word as he walked out of the loft.

* * *

She stood motionless on the graveyard, the moonlight the only thing illuminating her face. Looking at her own grave lying next to her mothers. She knew she was a fool, coming here, standing here out in the open. Anyone could recognize her and her cover would be blown, but she had to. She had to see it just once, because odds were she'd never return once she stepped on the plane back to her hiding place miles away. Odds were that in time she would really lie there next to her mother. Seeing it with her own eyes made the idea easier to accept. It made her braver, and though the guilt was threatening to swallow her whole, she knew that even if she really died, Castle would still be safe.

She knelt down and placed the flowers she had bought at her mother's grave. "Hey mom." She murmured and traced the writing on the stone. "I love you." She whispered and traced the Latin words on her grave.

_Vincit omnia veritas_

* * *

He still went to the cemetery on sleepless nights. When the nightmares about the moments he could have lost her, and the moment he actually did, took him by surprise and led him down the familiar road. When it was really bad he simply stood at her grave and waited for the ground to swallow him whole. At times it was better, more bearable. At those times he told her stories, because after all he was still a writer.

He always brought her flowers.

Sometimes when he arrived at day there was someone else laying flowers on her grave. Sometimes Ryan or Esposito, sometimes other NYPD detectives paying honor to one of their own. One time he even saw captain Gates laying down a bouquet of white roses. When he came at night, he was always alone with her. He liked it better that way.

That night the figure laying flowers on the grave of Kate Beckett took him by surprise. He stood at the edge of the cemetery, waiting for the figure to disappear. Giving her the time to pay homage to the extraordinary woman who had touched so many hearts in her life. It was too dark for him to recognize who the figure was, but it could be anyone: a friend, someone's life she saved, perhaps even a family member he didn't know. All he could make out were the contours of a woman when the figure disappeared into the night. Giving him the time to be with Kate, to tell her about his day.

What he saw when he got to her grave stopped him dead in his tracks.

There were flowers on the grave of Johanna Beckett.

* * *

**AN: Really nervous about this chapter, but I hope you guys like it :).**


	4. Chapter 4

He was a writer. He knew he had an overactive imagination that sometimes defied logic. He also knew that at times, when he was really sure, he was right. He was by no means sure. It was no hunch, no suspect, just a blind hope that was fuelled by one figure in the night, by one bouquet of flowers on a grave. He couldn't let it go. Kept conjuring up stories of what could have happened. Of anything to bring her back from the death. He was grasping at straws, he knew that, but it was also better than to keep falling with nothing to hold on to.

All this led him here. Sitting in the archives room with a flashlight, going through the police report of the murder of Kate Beckett. He hadn't seen the body that was pronounced hers, but even the idea that the body on the pictures, charred and burned, could be the body of his muse, made him nauseous. He inspected every detail, every inch of the picture until he saw it when he closed his eyes. He tried to recognize anything of what had once been Kate Beckett. His heart sank when he saw the ring he held so close to him. He cradled the ring in one hand, traced the cold metal with his fingers. He tried to read the letters on her badge, tried to tell the time from her watch, anything to get even a faint connection with the remote crime scene, that even after all this time still seemed the place of nightmares. He stared at the file, trying to piece together pieces that didn't fit. He held on to the hope that maybe, if he was very lucky, this wasn't Kate Beckett. Odds were, however, that she was. In that case, he needed to understand, needed to know why.  
He stared at the file until he fell asleep.

* * *

They found him late in the evening after they wrapped up to go home. They found the writer sitting on the floor, legs crossed with a flashlight in his hand and Kate Beckett's file in his lap. He looked almost peaceful for the first time in days, though at times his brow furrowed as if he was pondering on something. Ryan and Esposito knew this look. They had seen it often in the first years working with Beckett. The years that she would stay at the precinct to investigate her mother's murder and they found her asleep at her desk in the morning. However much they knew Castle needed and deserved at good night's rest, they knew he would be in trouble if anyone else would find him here. Ryan walked up to Castle and lightly put a hand on his shoulder.  
"Castle?"

Castle startled up and looked up at Ryan and Esposito standing in front of him. For a moment he seemed confused at his surroundings, before taking in the looks of pity on his friends' faces. It took him a moment to rearrange last night's events and he groaned at the feel of his legs and back. He hadn't found the most comfortable position to sleep in. The somewhat fuzzy feeling in his head disappeared the moment he looked down and saw the pictures again. His eyes almost dragged to the file, afraid of missing something. Esposito stepped forward and got the file from his hands. He took a glance at it but closed it immediately after. Ryan helped Castle up as the writer looked deep in thought, barely registering the two cops in front of him. Ryan coughed.  
"So what were you doing down here?" He and Esposito had seen it before, but they didn't know anything else to say. When Castle didn't reply he tapped on the file that was still in Esposito's hands.  
"Bro,-" Started Esposito, only to be interrupted by Castle.  
"Just… looking at it." He mumbled, averting his look. He didn't want to tell them he had thought, really believed for just a moment that Kate Beckett was still alive. Now, after a night of dreaming every possible scenario of her life and death, the reality of her death only crushed him heavier. "Forget it." He croaked out and started to walk out of the room, only to be held back by Esposito.  
"Bro, I know it's hard. We know how you felt about her, but you can't keep doing this, you know?"  
"We've seen it before. You've seen it before, Castle." Ryan added. Soft enough not to hurt, but still harsh enough for Castle to realize what he was saying. "Remember what Beckett said? She said that if she didn't let her mother's case go it was going to destroy her."  
"And so she let it go." Castle whispered, his eyes stinging once again as the idea that she was gone crept in without his permission once again. In an act that had become a habit, an automatism, he curled his fingers around the ring and tried to channel all this grief into the ring that had already carried to much of Kate Beckett's. The ring that she never took off until the blazing fire ended her life.

It hit him like a ton of bricks. An idea, a theory, a story to make everything better. Esposito and Ryan caught the look in his eyes. Like the look of an addict desperate for one more drink, being offered the drink they had longed for their whole life. Like a man in the desert seeing a bottle of poison, tempting, but just as dangerous as no water at all. "Castle?" Esposito was immediately alerted, suddenly concerned about the look of almost foolish hope in his face.

Without saying a word Castle reached out and tried to grab the files Esposito still held. The latter jumped back in a reflex and held the file above his head. Not being of much use to keep them away from him, but enough to rattle him a little. "Give the file to me!" What could have been a growl, came out pleading, desperate. When Esposito didn't react he jumped forwards and once again attempted to grab the file. Years of army and cop training kicked in and Esposito pinned Castle against the wall. With not nearly enough force to really hurt him, but enough to hold him done.  
"Castle what's going on?" Ryan demanded, though at a soft tone. Castle tried to grasp for the file again, but was firmly held back by Esposito. Finally he sighed and kept his eyes desperately fixed on the file. "I just need to look at-."  
"Castle!" Esposito interrupted him. As he saw the look on his friend's face his face and voice softened. "What's going on bro? This is not like you."  
"I need to see it! I need to prove it!" Castle pleaded once again and his gaze briefly crossed Ryan's before locking on the file again.  
"Prove what?" Ryan stepped forward, though keeping the file out of reach of Castle.

The next four words made the hearts of the two detectives sink.  
"That she is alive."

The three of them stood in silence. Castle frustrated and desperate to get to the file. The two detectives conflicted between a small spark of hope that had been ignited, and pity for the writer that really believed it. It was Esposito who eventually broke the silence. "Listen, I've been where you are. I lost a buddy of mine once in Iraq. Found a body, everybody believed it was him, I believed it was him. I believed I'd lost my friend. One day we were out and I could swear I saw him, you know? Spend days trying to find him, I never did. When we got home they checked dentals to be sure. It was a match. It had been him all along." He placed his hand on Castle's shoulder. "Look at me. I know it's hard, but you know Lanie, she doesn't make mistakes. She's gone bro." The faintest crack in the voice of the detective was heard in his last words as he stepped back and stood in silence, waiting for the writer to make a move. He eventually did, his voice barely above a whisper.

"She did this time."

Before Ryan or Esposito could hold him back he was storming out of the archives room.

He headed straight to the morgue, praying to everything he could come up with that Lanie was still there. He got lucky and met her on her way out, he almost bumped into her. "Castle? What are you doing here this late?" The ME asked, her brow furrowing as she took in the scruffy look he was currently sporting.  
"Lanie I need you to go over Beckett's files again." It came out in one breath and it took Lanie a while to register what he was saying. When she did she backed up, unable to say anything for a while. "I think you made a mistake." He added, sounding more sure of himself than he actually was. Driven by nothing but desperate hope. Lanie's face took on a similar look as Ryan and Esposito's had.  
"Castle…"  
"No, Lanie. I know you made a mistake! Things do not add up, there has to be something that explains it. Maybe it's her mother's killer, maybe they took her and… god knows what they're doing to her!" His voice grew desperate as the thought of it filled his mind with horrid images. "This is Kate Beckett we're talking about! You have to go over it-" Lanie interrupted his rambling with a firm voice, her hand not on his shoulder, but poking him in his chest.  
"Castle you do not have to tell me who this is about! I am the one who had to autopsy my friend, only to see the case go unsolved in front of me. Don't you think I've been over that file, that I've been over her body a billion times before finding the courage to wrap her up?!" She hollered at him, her voice echoing through the room, her tears getting harder to hold back with every word. "This is hard for everybody Castle!" She finally croaked out and walked right past him. Leaving the writer standing alone in the sterile room of death.

* * *

Kate Beckett's phone startled her, the sound that she used to hear often, already growing strange. Her heart sank at the sound, because there was only one person with her phone number and that person was told only to call her in times of emergencies.  
"Lanie?" She croaked into the line. Her voice rusty, unused.

"Kate, he's found out."

* * *

**I haven't got time to beta this and I will not do it today either. I'm tired and it's late, so I'm going to bed, haha. I will read this over tomorrow, I hope the reading was bearable, and I hope you still like the story.  
*add shameless begging for reviews here***


	5. Chapter 5

Since the day Kate had planned her disappearance she had feared, suspected that this day would come. One of the reasons she wanted someone close to him to keep an eye on him, to make sure he wasn't going to do anything stupid. Still when she heard the words she found herself staring dumbstruck at the wall for a few seconds, trying to think of where she could have gone wrong, what she could have missed in her plan.  
"Kate?" Her friend's hesitant voice brought her back to reality and she swallowed.  
"How?" She breathed out, standing up and walking to the murder board she had improvised as if she could find the answer there.  
"I don't know, but he came running into the morgue today telling me he had found things that didn't add up. That I made a mistake."

At hearing her friend's words Kate turned around and sat down on the bed. Rubbing her temples in an attempt to clear her mind. Before she could say anything else Lanie spoke again, hesitant this time, filled with her own worry. "Kate, he thinks it's connected to your mothers killer. He thinks they took you."  
Upon hearing those words Kate covered her face with her left hand and tried to calm herself, tried to stop thinking about the things that Castle must be feeling. It wrecked her all over again. "Oh god…" She managed. She stared at the white ceiling trying to calm herself.  
"Girl, you know what he's going to do right?" Lanie almost whispered the words, but they still impaled the detectives heart. Froze it for a second before sending it into a frenzy. Of course she knew what he was going to do. She had seen him before, seen the ends he went to to protect the people he cared about. The people he loved. To protect _her_.  
"He shouldn't." She almost growled it. Behind her fear and worry was something else that bubbled up into her so sudden she couldn't even try to hold it back: anger. Anger at this man with his over active imagination who would abandon everything just for her. She was angry at him for loving her this much, and even more angry at herself for allowing him to, deep in her heart.  
"Well what do you expect him to do? The guy is crazy about you. Do you expect him to just walk away?!" Lanie's words about Castle's love for her almost went past her. Albeit triggering a short shiver in her heart, like the remnant of an old instinct that should have been long forgotten. She put one hand next to her on the bed to steady herself and he gaze found the murder board once again. The people that had been lost touching her mother's case. Her hand went to her chest and she didn't even have to look to know where her scar was. Sometimes, on bad nights when she awoke from a deep and dark nightmare, she swore she could feel it burning.  
"He should." She eventually managed. Her throat suddenly clogged. "Yes, Lanie, he should walk away from this." She remembered how she had reacted when Castle told her she had to stop. Told her to let it go in those exact words. He told her to _walk away_. Told her they were going to kill her if she didn't. She hadn't listened, and not more than a day later, they put a bullet in her heart. She couldn't phrase anything else, couldn't bring herself to tell Lanie what they would do if he didn't walk away. She knew anyway.

"Then tell him to. Tell him to stop. Because if you don't, he won't." Lanie's voice was still soft, but there was no doubt in it. She had seen the way the guy came storming into her morgue, recognized the look in his eyes. It has the same look that had been in the eyes of her friend years ago. She knew it would take a miracle to make him stop searching for her, so that's what she was asking for.  
"Lanie if I tell him I'm alive he will only search harder for me." Kate vaguely interjected, but she knew she was just trying to save herself from the pain of having to contact him. It was selfish, but she wasn't sure if she could handle talking to him. Even seeing him on the television talking about her broke her heart all over again.  
"He will if you ask him to." Lanie reassured her friend. When she didn't react she understood what her friend was anxious about. "You can write him. Send the letter to me and I will give it to Castle. He won't be able to find you." She suggested and Kate nodded. She buried her face in her hands for a while, dropping the phone on the bed for a while before taking it up again.  
"Okay." She finally breathed out. "I will write him."

"Kate?"  
She didn't answer.  
"It's going to be okay."

She didn't see how it was going to be okay. How it was ever going to be okay until she got to her mother's killer and put him in the ground. Right now, nothing seemed to be going even close to okay, but she didn't say any of this. Instead she stood up to search for a piece of paper and sighed.

"Yeah."

* * *

Castle was bordering somewhere between the world of his dreams and the cold reality when he heard a soft knock at his door and jumped up. He groaned at the rude awakening from the dream he had almost indulged himself to fall into and got up. He shuffled to the door and opened it. He blinked confused when he found the doorway empty, glanced left and right but saw no one. He vaguely heard the sound of heels clicking ,but couldn't make out where the sound was coming from. Just when he decided to go back into the loft and try to get some sleep, he found himself standing on something: A blank white envelope that someone had evidently shoved under his door. He blinked at it before picking it up. There was no address on it and he took it into the loft. When he opened it his heart missed a beat, then it froze, left him staring at the letter, not daring to read it.

He recognized the handwriting. He had seen it countless times on her murder board.  
The handwriting was Kate Beckett's.

_Dear Castle,_

_There is no easy way to say this. There is not even an easy way to explain this, but I will try to. I think you already know this, or at least expected it, but you deserve to know the truth nonetheless: I am alive. I wish I could have told you this before, but I couldn't. I can't force you to forgive me for what I did to you, but I can explain it to you. The truth might help you understand. _

_I got threats. Everywhere. On my phone, in my mail, on my computer. Threats against me, but also threats against you. I got them before the shooting and I dismissed them as harmless, just like I dismissed you when you told me to stop investigating my mother's case. I put myself in the crosshairs by doing that, and I'm still in them. I'm so sorry Castle, but it's too late for me to walk away now. They know me, they know I'm not going to stop. That's why I had to leave to a place where they couldn't find me. I had to disappear, and I would never force you to come with me. You have a daughter to take care off, you should stay with your family. That's one thing I'm sure about._

_I'd tell you not to worry about me, but I know you will. You're stubborn like that, but please don't be about the next thing I'm about to ask of you._

_Don't come looking for me. They will kill you if you do, Castle. Please just walk away from this. I know it's hard to let go, I've been there and I've made all the wrong choices. Choose what's important, Castle. Choose living with your family, choose living in the future instead of drowning in the past, 'cause living is so much better. _

_I have one other thing to ask of you, because you will figure this out eventually: please don't be mad at Lanie. It's not her fault that I messed up, it's not her fault that she was forced to lie to you and the boys. I know how hard this has been for her too. I don't expect you to forgive me for what I've done to you, but at least try to forgive Lanie. _

_And Castle, I suppose, if this is my last chance to tell you:_

_I love you too._

_Kate_

* * *

**AN: Well, I guess that was... revealing? I've debated with myself for quite a while if I wanted her to say that she loved him, but eventually I think that if it's your last chance to say that to someone, you would, even though it would hurt them. Especially after Castle said in his dedication to her that he was sorry he never got to tell her he loved her for real. **

**By the way... you might have to wait a week or three on the new chapter. (sorry!) since I'm going to Rome with school for a week, and to Barcelona for a week after that, so this might be the last chapter in a few weeks, or there might be one more, depending on how much time I have next week. sorry about that guys, I just want to you give a heads-up that I'm definitely not thinking about quitting this story. I'm currently having a blast torturing poor Caskett.**


	6. Chapter 6

"I am glad you came to see me, Rick." Martha had suggested to Castle that she should see doctor Burke, that it would help him cope with the loss of the woman he loved. He had always dismissed her suggestions and had refused to call him. Dr. Burke was aware of this, as Martha had called him numerous times for advice, but he was only mildly surprised to see the writer sitting on his sofa. He leaned back into the chair, waiting for the writer to talk to him. In his sessions with Kate he had come to know a significant amount of things about him and, more importantly, about his relationship with Kate Beckett. It was thus that he was not surprised seeing the grief and even guilt etched into the writer's face. More to his surprise, however, was the immense look of distraught and confliction that was in his eyes. His eyes lingered on the crumpled piece of paper in Rick's hand that he impulsively seemed to crumple, unroll, twist around his fingers, read and crumple again.  
"Rick?" The psychiatrist inquired and the writer seemed to wake up from thought with a shock. He glanced back for a moment at the paper before putting it down on his lap, tearing his eyes away from it. When he finally lifted his eyes to the man sitting in front of him it seemed to take an immense amount of effort.  
"I don't know what to do." He finally croaked out. Sounding utterly helpless, confused and desperate. Once again he stroked the paper, glanced down at it and flinched when he seemed to read something.  
"Do what?" Dr. Burke leaned forward slightly, watching as the man in front of him, the writer that usually found words without looking for them, struggled to put anything into words. Castle shook his head and stretched over the couch with his nails.  
"Hypothetically…" The started, taking a deep breath to steady himself. "What do you do if someone you love begs you to do the exact opposite of what your heart tells you?" He croaks out the words, suddenly turning his gaze towards the man. His eyes dull with grief, but filled with something fresher: confusion and almost frustration. "What do you do then?" He adds almost on a whisper. Instinctively unrolling the letter once again and focusing on it without looking at dr. Burke again.  
"is this about your daughter? Your Mother?" Martha had called up Burke numerous times, telling him about the behavior that Castle had developed since Kate's death. Him feeling conflicted about chasing her murderer and letting it go was understandable. He had seen it all before.  
"No." Castle shook his head, surprising the psychiatrist. The writer took a shaky breath again to steady himself and sat up, looking at the man in front of him. "It's about Kate."

However much Castle's answer surprised dr. Burke, he didn't flinch. Simply leaned forwards and let his eyes wander to the letter and back to Castle's eyes. "What does Kate have to do with this Rick?" He inquired patiently. Castle suddenly moved his arm and handed the man in front of him the letter with a shaky hand.  
"She… send me a letter." He breathed out, averting his eyes to the statue standing on the table next to the couch. Dr. Burke placed the letter on his lap but made not a move to open it. "Rick. What is in it? I need you to tell me." He calmly but steadily told him. Castle shook his head, swallowed and sighed.  
"She send me a letter." She repeated. "To tell me she is alive." He croaked out. His brow furrowing in something that was almost confusion, as if he couldn't understand why she would to such a thing to him. Perhaps he was still in denial, but he wasn't sure of what exactly. "She told me she was alive." He repeated, as if he himself still had trouble understanding. "And she begged me not to go looking for her." He covered his face with his hand for just a second. Perhaps in an automatism, perhaps to prevent stray tears from finding his cheeks. "How can she expect me to do that? She never could do it herself." He gritted his teeth, something that was frustration, almost anger laced through his voice. His fists were balled up into the fabric of the couch as the sensations of everything he had tried to bundle up since he got the letter overwhelmed him. Because he had tried to listen to her, he honestly had tried to forget that she was still somewhere out there, but every night when he closed his eyes he could almost hear the words she wrote. He could never forgot that somewhere she was alive, so close and yet so far away, and that she was _loving_ him. "How can she tell me that and expect me to just… be okay with it?!" When his eyes found Dr. Burke's again they were filled with a deep powerless rage, nurtured by the grey of the grief that was ever present.

"Did she tell you why?" dr. Burke hadn't known Kate Beckett very long, but he knew things about her that she didn't show easily. He knew that she cared for the man sitting in front of him deeply, and that if what he told her was true, there would be a reason.  
Castle nodded, trying to time the sudden wave of rage that had passed over him. Almost ashamed of the way he couldn't bring himself to understand. She knew he wouldn't forgive her, she was right, but she had thought he would understand. He couldn't even do that. "It's in there." He gestured to the letter. The letter that had been his lifeline ever since she send it to him and that he suddenly wanted to get away from as far as possible. The psychiatrist looked up at the writer and opened the letter slowly. Giving the writer the chance to take it from him. Castle only nodded. The feeling of having to read about the threats again making him nauseous. He had read the letter uncountable times since she sent it to him, but he skipped that part almost always. Maybe he didn't even want to understand, because the feeling of what could have happened, could still happen, to Kate Beckett made everything worse.

Dr. Burke silently read the letter, neatly folding It afterwards as far as possible with all the creaks. He didn't speak, simply waited for Castle to say something. For a moment they sat in silence, before Castle finally swallowed and whispered, his voice laced with the desperation he couldn't hold back anymore. "What do I do? I can't walk away. She can't expect me to." Familiar words, but this time spoken not with anger or resentment, he truly didn't know what to do anymore. Her being death would mean losing her once, letting her go, meant losing her every time he blinked and decided to try and forget her. He wasn't sure he could handle that.  
"Why can't you?" dr. Burke inquired again. His eyes resting on the distraught man in front of him. "Why can't you let her go?"

"Because she loves me." Castle's words came out flat. Where his voice had been filled with every emotion imaginable before, it was completely devoid of anything now. It was a mere statement, only bearable when treated as one. He shook his head and covered his eyes with his hands. Unable to handle any more questions. He just wanted an answer, he wanted someone, anyone, to tell him what to do, because he didn't know it anymore.

"Rick?"  
He didn't answer.  
"Do you love Kate Beckett?"

The question caught him off guard. The only thing that seemed to have been standing firm through all the storms was now being questioned. The one thing that he himself had always been sure about. He should have replied immediately that he loved this woman to the end of the world and back, but he couldn't. He did love her, of course, but saying it didn't come with ease like it had when he had written the dedication to her. As if he already tried to lock it up again where neither of them would ever find it. He couldn't say it, could only bring himself to nod.

Of course he loved Kate Beckett.  
He loved her so much it would end him.

* * *

The lights of the morgue suddenly seemed to make Lanie Parish more uncomfortable by the way. The place where she had strived to find the truth, was now the place of the biggest lie she had ever told anyone. Telling everyone that her friend Kate Beckett was gone had put a strain on her heart like she had never felt before, she couldn't even imagine the things Ryan, Esposito and Castle must be feeling. Lanie hadn't been keen on helping Beckett fake her death at all. Not only the idea of losing her, but also having to lie about it to their friends had at the time already been an awful idea. She had thrown every bit of reason in, every suggestion for another plan until she found herself shouting at her friend that she couldn't expect her to do this.

It was only after Kate had broken down on her couch, sobbing about how sorry she was for everything, about how she wished she didn't have to ask this and about how she would never get over Castle being hurt because of her, that Lanie had agreed. Agreed to lie to keep the people she and Kate loved most dearly safe. They were safe, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Didn't lessen the guilt even a bit.

She flinched when the doors to her morgue suddenly opened. She usually didn't expect the living this late in the evening, especially not now Kate was gone and it couldn't be her barging in complaining about her awful date. She reached out to pick up the closest instrument but halted when she heard a barking voice.  
"Don't even think about … doing whatever that thing does." The male voice resonated in the morgue and Lanie heard the pounding of footsteps coming towards her. Before she could ask or scream she felt something pushing against her throat. Felt a breath near her ear that made shivers run down her neck.

"Call Kate Beckett. I have something to tell her."

* * *

**Uh oh...  
See you in, what, two weeks? Going to Rome tomorrow! **


	7. Chapter 7

"Katherine Beckett, that's one impressive stunt you pulled there."

The voice coming out of the phone was most definitely not Lanies. The slow, punctuated words froze Kate's heart as she struggled to keep the phone to her ear. The calm, sharp voice of the unknown man on the other side of the phone formed a stark contrast to her own panic, her trembling.  
"Not just running, but disappearing. Dying." His voice was barely a whisper and she couldn't bring herself to even form words to reply to him. The fear was overwhelming her, because she didn't know what this was, but she knew it was bad. "Do you still feel the bullet burning in your chest? I hope you do. You should have just died right there, it would have saved you the trouble of trying to hide." He chuckled and Kate heard footsteps and the opening of a door through the phone.  
"And you nearly succeeded you know?" He paused, momentarily waiting for her reaction. When she didn't reply she heard him taking slow steps forward and heard the faint, familiar click of a gun. "But the thing is, Kate. You can hide from your enemies, but you can never hide from your friends." He chuckled again, and at the thought of this man hurting her friends Kate regained her ability to speak, albeit with voice trembling of fear and anger.

'Who are you?" She whispered, her hand resting on her gun and glancing at the door as if he would come barging through it at any second.

"Ah you're talking, that's an improvement. You seem to need a little incentive for lots of things." The caller's voice stayed calm and he seemed utterly comfortable with the situation. The thought was sickening to Kate, because she knew that whatever he was planning, he was enjoying every second of it.

"What do you want?"

"Oh come on, you know what I want." She could almost hear the grin in his voice and balled her fist. Her heart pounding against her chest made her scar hurt almost physically. Of course she knew what he wanted. Hadn't they told her in the mails, the letters? Hadn't they made it clear the moment they but a bullet in her heart for the first time?

"Kate, your questions bore me. You know the answers already. I'm disappointed, you're a detective, It would be terribly boring if I had to tell you everything by myself. Make sure your next question is actually interesting, or I'm afraid this is all going to be over very soon." Once again her heart froze, the realization slowly started to sink in, the realization that there was only one person who knew how to reach her. That her friend would not give the number away easily. Apparently she did need incentive to even think about anyone but herself.  
"Where's Lanie?" She nearly choked on the words. Disgusted by herself at even forgetting for a moment what they could have done to her, that it wasn't the first question springing to mind, that after all, her mother's murder still dominated her mind. Once again she heard a chuckle at the other end of the line.  
"That's a better question Kate. You are a wonderful friend." His voice was dripping with sarcasm and she heard calculated footsteps once again. "Doctor Parish needed some… convincing. But I'm awfully nice when people just work with me. And look, here I am, talking to you." His words did not calm her in the least, only made her heart speeding up even more. Yet she managed to find a place in her mind that wasn't clouded with hear and found some reason, straws to grasp at. She mustered her courage and tried to steady her voice.

"Lanie doesn't know where I am. Leave her alone. My friends don't know anything." Her voice dropped, the cop taking the place of the scared girl. Her mind still whizzing with fear, but she forced herself to stay focused. No need to put anyone in danger, keeping her friends safe: that was the whole purpose of this. "This is between you and me." She added on almost a threatening whisper, her fingers tightening around the phone, forcing it to stay next to her ear.

"Between you and me? Well Kate, I'm afraid we're a bit past that now. I seem to recall that your fool of a writer was pretty involved with all this right? Like Raglan, Like Montgomery, like…"

"You touch him; I will hunt you down and I will not rest until I personally put a bullet through your skull." Kate's voice lowered at the threat, she was shaking and fear crept up her heart at the idea of them hurting Castle, but she had to remain calm.

Her caller seemed to be untouched, if not amused, by her threats "Cute, Kate, but I think we're past this too. You are not in a position to threaten and we both know it. So shut up and listen to me." She heard a yelp and a suppressed groan and her heart froze. "Or rather listen to him." He chuckled and she heard the click of a gun.  
"What was that?" She asked on a stray breath and clutched her hand around her gun. "Who is that?" Deep in her heart she already knew it, but she didn't want it to be true, it wasn't allowed to be true.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" She heard the phone being handled, heard the transition from the calm breathing of her caller to labored, heavy breathing from someone else.

"Well, who are you now?" This time the man wasn't talking to her, but no question to the answer came. It stayed silent for a few heart-stopping seconds in which she could almost hear the gritting of teeth. Next was a faint noise like someone being kicked or punched and another groan. The question was repeated, but she didn't need an answer. If she hadn't figured it out by now, she could have told it by the way her name sounded through the phone on a whisper. As if someone on the other end of the line used it like a lifeline. She wanted to scream his name, but her throat was closed off, her lips frozen, her eyes staring at the murder board without seeing anything. The sounds at the other end of the line stopped altogether, except the breathing and groaning of the person she knew to be her partner.

"Well he's not really working with us. Now I could hit it out of him and, mind you, have a small amount of fun while doing it, but like I said, I am really, really nice when people work with me and I do not bear any particular grudge against him. So listen to me, Kate. I don't know where you are, and that is kind of complicating finishing what I started some time ago. You are obviously hiding somewhere and I don't feel like playing this game of hide-and-seek with you. So, Kate, listen carefully: you are going to come to me. If you want still want to protect your writer-boy and everyone else you care about, you're going to come to the address I'm going to text you. You're going to come unarmed and you're going to come alone. When you're there, you're going to stand in front of me without a fight and I'm going to put a bullet through your heart. You can try to run again, Kate, but this time you can't escape."

She heard a faint, yet piercing screaming of "No!" and "Kate!" Followed by a heart-wrenching screaming of. "Don't do it! They'll kill you Kate!" After that she heard a thud and the writer was shut up.

"Well look at him, you've got that wrapped around your finger completely right?" He chuckled sarcastically and she balled her fist until her nails dug into the palm of her hand. "Does he even know this is all your fault? All you had to do was just stop. Don't you blame yourself for this? You are so selfish Kate, leaving his life, leaving him to clean up the mess you've made and he's still only thinking of you. You don't deserve this at all, you're…"  
"I'll come." Kate cut him off, her voice sounding almost distant, resigned, albeit tears were glittering in her eyes. "Just… please don't hurt him." She croaked out, her voice wavering for a second as she already was standing up, preparing to walk through her door. "Please don't hurt him. It's not his fault. I'll do as you like, just text me and I'll be there."

"That's a clever girl. Now remember: Don't jerk me around, because from the way I figure, there's still a hell of a lot of people you care about walking around here and I will kill every single one of them if needed."

Seconds later the line went dead and her phone beeped when she received the text message. She opened the text and stared at it for a few seconds. She'd die there, she'd bleed out there in front of her partner. The realization slowly sank in, but it didn't hurt her anymore. She was oddly okay with it.

She was dead already, anyway.

* * *

Rome and Barcelona were awesome! =D I hope you liked the chapter. And I am sorry for the embarrasing typo's I made in the previous chapter, I hope there won't be as much in this one.


	8. Chapter 8

When Richard Castle opened his eyes everything seemed wrong. He was sitting on a chair, his arms bent backwards and tied to the chair, duct tape over his mouth. The situation was oddly like one he'd encountered before. Difference was that the previous time he was in his loft and he'd been tied to the chair by Alexis, not in some shifty dark room with some nameless killer. It took him a while to rearrange everything that had happened and he realized his mind was oddly blank at some point. He groaned inwardly and tried to discern anything in the darkness. The only thing he really remembered was the phone call to Beckett. Beckett, god, she was alive. The last thing he remembered was screaming, begging Beckett not to come looking for him. He wanted to believe she wouldn't, but truth was he didn't know what to expect of Katherine Beckett anymore. She was truly a mystery he was never going to solve. Problem was that he wasn't even sure he would be able to trust her ever again.

"Mr. Castle." He clenched his eyes shut and blinked violently against the bright light that was suddenly turned on. He balled his fists when he heard the familiar voice and felt the urge to shout every single curse he could conjure up at him, hadn't the duct tape prevented him from anything but a hateful mumble.  
"I don't think you heard it, but she's coming for you. You are a writer, you have got to acknowledge it's very poetic that she ran away to protect you, and is now running towards what she's running from to do the same." He mused and chuckled. Castle dug his nails into his palm at his words. She was coming for him, she was going to die and it was all his fault.

"And Mr. Castle?"  
Castle lifted his head up, anger and guilt fighting for a place in his once-blue eyes.  
"You've got front row seats to the show."

* * *

Kate saw the snipers the moment she walked onto the terrain. She couldn't help but wonder if one of them caused her heart to stop, caused her to be marked by death on her skin for what little remained of her life. She slowly walked, every step calculated, careful, as if every other moment they'd decide that taking her out right now would be a whole lot more efficient. She lifted her hands in the sky and tried to restrain her cop-instincts to grab her gun and run for cover. She didn't have her gun on her anyway. Her breathing threatened to betray her and her heart was beating violently against her chest. The only thing keeping her calm was repeating over and over why she did this. She came to do what she had intended to the moment she left: protect the people she loved.

She startled when she was gripped by her arm. She turned towards him instinctively and glared into his eyes. She didn't recognize or remember him, but she'd be damned if he wouldn't remember her. She hoped her eyes were determined, didn't show the turmoil of doubt and anger raging inside her. She didn't blink when his hands went over her body to check for any weapons. He eventually nodded at her and pointed towards the door. Disappearing in the shadows without another word. She breathed out and closed her eyes, allowed herself to assess the situation once again. To remember every good moment she ever had, to remember Castle's words.

_I love you._

She breathed and balled her fists before she opened the door and stepped through it.  
Because, after all, she loved him too.

* * *

Castle's heart froze the moment he saw her stepping inside. He had known she was alive for days now, but seeing her, actually seeing her, left him almost shell-shocked. He wanted to scream at her, beg her to turn around while she still had the chance, but all he could do was helplessly watch her walk into the warehouse. He exactly registered the moment she saw him. A range of emotions flying over her face that he couldn't even bother to name anymore.  
"Castle." She whispered on a sigh. Her relief at him being alive stung and he suddenly wished they had just killed him the moment they took him. At least one of them would have gotten out of this alive that way, because he sure as hell didn't believe that they would let him go. He struggled against his restraints, tried to warn her with his eyes, his cut-off voice, with everything to _run away. _  
But she didn't. She came walking to him, probably aware that though they seemed alone in the warehouse, she could get shot down any moment by an anonymous killer.  
"I'm so sorry." She whispered and he heard her voice cracking. "I'm so sorry." She breathed again. Neither of them knew exactly what she was apologizing for. Maybe leaving him behind, maybe coming here to save him or maybe just for loving him the way she did. Castle didn't know what to do, and if he could have spoken a word, he wouldn't have known what to say either. All he could do was stare at her, the reality that she was alive, about to die again, swallowing him whole. The idea that she was so close to him, yet so far away and that he was utterly and completely useless numbing and crippling him. "I'm so sorry." She mumbled when she was just two steps away from him and without warning their eyes crossed paths. He now saw the tears that were streaming down her cheeks, he saw everything that went unspoken between them, everything about them that would die along with her. Dreams that never were and never would be.

God, he was so sorry too.  
They really messed up. Again.

"Katherine Beckett!" She didn't flinch even as her name sounded through the warehouse. She held her eyes focused on Castle's, her gaze not leaving his for even a moment. If she had to die here, in front of him, he would hear every single thing she wanted to say to him, even if she couldn't bring herself to speak the words.  
"I'm so sorry Castle." She breathed again and she shakily stretched her hand out to reach for his hand. Before she could reach it she felt a pressure against her temple and she knew exactly what was happening.  
"Don't even think about it." The voice rumbled into her ear and she froze, but she didn't flinch. She had made peace with this, if she had to die, this wasn't such a bad way to go. She only hoped Castle would be able see it the way she did. Her eyes didn't leave him, tried to convey to him that _it was okay_. She didn't react to the man standing next to her, not to the gun pressing against her temple because it didn't matter anymore. A thousands thoughts were running through her head about her mother, about Castle, about her father, about Lanie and the boys, but not about this gun, because she always knew she'd end up here, eventually.  
"Didn't I warn you Kate? You can't run, you can't hide." She could feel his breath over her check, could almost feel the grin when he whispered the words into her ear. Kate didn't look at him, her look still focused on Castle. "Damn…" She heard a chuckle of disdain. "You really love him don't you?" Only at those words she flinched slightly and he brought his mouth close to her ear, lowered his voice until she wasn't sure if it was really there. "Spoiler alert sweetheart. He won't live."

A single gunshot echoed through the warehouse accompanied by a silent shout from Richard Castle.  
As Kate Beckett dropped to the floor.

* * *

**Kinda short chapter, but this seemed like a good place to stop (*evil chuckle*)**

As always interested in your opinion. :)


	9. Chapter 9

Perhaps it was cop instinct, perhaps some remnant from her PTSD days, perhaps her body's surrender to death or perhaps it was the sheer force that pushed her to the ground, but she was falling the floor before she was even ware of what was happening. She crashed onto the floor and tried to catch Castle's eyes as she expected to drop out of consciousness any second now. It was only seconds since she had heard the shot, but her senses seemed more heightened than ever and for a split second she felt more alive than ever before, before she hit the ground and it came to a halt. An almost surreal calmness setting over her in the midst of chaos. She felt blood spreading all around her, she held onto Castle's gaze, preparing to die.

And then she didn't.

"NYPD put your hands where I can see them!" Esposito's raw voice seemed to bring her back to life just seconds after she heard the gunshot and was sure it was all over. She realized she hadn't taken another breath of air after smacking on the floor and her body suddenly demanded a gasp of air. She sat up but froze all movement when she saw Esposito running past her. Gun drawn, followed in his tracks by Ryan. Seeing the faces she thought she wouldn't ever see again made her heart leap, forcing the realization upon her that she was _alive._ Her heart was still beating and she was alive. She almost hesitantly turned her head and was startled by the puddle of blood she was lying in. Blood that she had assumed to be hers, warm blood that was coating her hands, the sickening smell invading her nose. She saw him lying in the puddle. Eyes wide open, gun right next to him, mouth still opened on his last words. It was only at this sight that the realization hit Kate. She wasn't dead. Her heart was still beating in her chest and the blood she was lying in didn't belong to her. Against all odds, she was still alive.

She was almost afraid to look up, to cross Castle's eyes because for a moment he must have thought the same. The image of her lying in the puddle of blood he must have assumed to be hers. He saw her die. Again. She forced her gaze up, forced herself to look in his eyes. She half expected to see relief in his eyes, but she saw nothing in them. He stared at her, the only emotion that was left in his eyes disbelief, disbelief that this woman came back to life not once, but twice, and it was too much. It was too much to understand, and so he didn't. He didn't understand or know what to feel. So he just watched her and waited for the world to start making sense again. She wanted to stand up, to walk towards him, to free him and to tell him the words that she was desperate to say to him, but her gaze stopped her dead in her tracks. Robbed her off her belief that she had had for a while that it was going to be okay, that this was just going to be one of those bad situations they went through together. Looking into his eyes, she realized this was going to be so much harder and that this could very well tear them apart more than distance or death could have. They just stared at each other and they would've probably continued doing that, if it hadn't been for Ryan running towards Castle, freeing him of his restraints and pulling the duct tape from his mouth.  
"You okay?" Ryan asked Castle on a breath, his eyes still shooting through the room even though the squad team had already cleared it out. Castle's answering not was barely perceivable, his eyes staying fixed on Kate.  
"Castle's where's Lanie?" He hushed out. That caught Kate's attention, shook her from the faraway place she had been in. Lanie. She stood up and wanted to follow Ryan, but he disappeared from her sight before she could go after him. The was left standing in front of Castle and something inside her screamed to run towards him, throw her arms around him and tell him the meant what she told him in her letter.  
_ I love you._

But something held her back. Made her afraid to close the space that had grown between them. The space that had been growing since the moment she left him. It strangled her, because for the first time she saw exactly what she had lost by messing up everything. She was almost glad when a familiar voice cut through the air that was thickening between her and Castle.  
"Detective Beckett." She turned around and immediately looked into the eyes of Victoria Gates. She looked calm as always, though a small smile was on her lips. "I am glad you are all right." She seemed completely unaffected by the formerly diseased detective standing in front of her. Kate nodded, momentarily not having regained her ability to speak.

Suddenly her attention was caught by steps and mumbling coming inside the room. She turned around and an immense wave of relief crashed over her when she saw her friend walking in. Lanie was holding Esposito's hand but seemed mostly unharmed. Kate finally allowed herself a smile and seconds later Ryan appeared in front of her. For a moment he just stared at her, as if he had trouble believing she was really there. She saw the range of emotions passing through his eyes. Relief, but also something that was definitely betrayal and a spark of anger. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but before she could conjure up anything she felt Ryan's arms around her in a hug.  
"Don't ever do that again." He mumbled in her ear and she laughed softly. She hadn't left Ryan's arms or she felt Esposito's around her. He, however, stayed silent and though his hug was firm and warm, she felt the tension. She could almost physically feel the emotions and thoughts that were raging, battling inside his head. When she left his arms too and saw the two detectives standing in front of her she forced herself to get the words out that she had felt since the moment she saw them first storming inside.  
"Thanks guys. " She nearly whispered it catching their gaze. "And I'm sorry." She added, louder this time. Her throat clogged again, rendering her incapable of explaining. She knew it wasn't enough, it wasn't even near enough. She had to explain it to them, had to tell them why she betrayed their trust and put them through hell. Maybe they wouldn't even understand, she wouldn't even blame them.  
Luckily, for now, they seemed fine with this. She was alive, and that was enough for now.

"Kate!" Her head shot up but before she could register what was in front of her, Lanie's eyes were wrapped around her. The could feel her friend's body trembling. Both from relief and from everything that had happened the last ten hours. She held onto her friend longer than Ryan and Esposito had and Kate couldn't help looking over her shoulder towards Castle. The writer got the same embrace she got by Ryan and Esposito and managed a smile and some words she couldn't hear. When Lanie let her go she was still looking and Lanie followed her gaze.  
"Go to him." She urged and Kate immediately diverted her glance from him. She didn't answer her friend and bit her lip. "Girl…" Lanie warned, already getting some of her old personality back, albeit still wary of the state her friend seemed to be in. Kate breathed and started walking towards him again. When he caught her gaze she saw him physically freeze, the grin disappearing from his face for a second before he forced it back on.

"Castle…" She mumbled, standing just a few steps away from him. Her gaze caught his and she forced herself to keep walking towards him, even as he made no move to walk towards her. Almost avoiding her. "Castle please don't…" _Please don't do this. _But the words got caught into her throat because she didn't know how to deal with this. She could deal with anger, she could deal with him shouting at her for doing this to him, for not being strong enough to stop and choose him, she could deal with anything. Anything but _this._  
She stopped on front of him, almost touching him, her eyes not leaving his. She felt a tear dreaming down her cheek, but she didn't care. She didn't care about showing emotions to him anymore, as long as he would show them to her, but he didn't. It was like the moment she dropped to the floor he had locked them up somewhere far away where she couldn't reach them, couldn't hurt him anymore.  
"Castle please." She pleaded with him, and her begging seemed to get through his shell somehow. The writer smiled at her and took her hand in his. Carefully, almost as if he was scared she would shatter under his touch. He rubbed his thumb over her hand for just a second, a remnant of something ancient they had before all this happened. He dropped her hand without a word and his gaze caught hers again. What Kate saw in his once so open and blue eyes made her heart sink.

There was a wall inside.

* * *

**Aw come on, did you really think I'd kill her off? Again?**


	10. Chapter 10

"Detective Beckett." Gates glared up from some documents when she found the detective standing in her office. The walk through the precinct had been something like a walk of shame for Kate. It seemed the other detectives had been instructed not to walk towards her or talk to her, but they eyed her with a mix of disbelief and curiosity. She'd spotted Demming leaning towards a wall and had quickly rushed into her boss' office after that.

"You've got a lot to explain. And I have got even more to explain to the DA. We falsely identified someone and that will harm the precinct's reputation if we don't handle this very carefully." Although the look in her eyes was stern and magnified by the square of her glasses, she didn't look as angry as Kate would have expected. Though there was definitely a disapprovement in her eyes and voice. Then, in a move that took Kate by surprise, a warm smile crossed over Gates' face. "But like I said, detective, I am glad you're okay."  
"Sir, thank you. Also for… getting me out of there." Kate cocked her head and bit her lip hesitantly. She wanted to know a question that had been conjured up in her mind, but she didn't want to risk Gates changing her attitude about her whole 'stunt'. Gates took a file in her hand that Kate assumed to be hers and glanced at It before answering.  
"My detectives are under my protection and when I feel like they're in trouble, I prefer to keep an eye on them. I've already lost enough detectives." It came out almost matter-of-factly and with just a small glance to Kate, but it brought Kate back to the few funerals she had attended over the years as a detective. It didn't happen often, but she was right, it always happened too often. Her mind especially shot back to Montgomery's funeral. The day that she died for the first time. The former part of what Gates' said in took a while to sink in and Kate furrowed her brow as she tried to figure out what she meant.  
"Sir? Keep an eye on me?"

Gates looked up and saw Kate's eyes. She could almost see the detective trying to figure out why she was alive, she hadn't stood a chance from the beginning, had she? Gates nodded and turned the file around so Kate could look at it. "After they identified you I soon noticed that some things didn't add up. It reminded me of something I had seen before in the murder of a very dangerous serial killer. I had already pulled Ryan and Esposito from your case because I don't want vendetta's in my precinct. The faults in the report and investigation originated from the medical examiner's office, so I went to dr. Parish and confronted her with her fault. She eventually told me what you were doing and begged me not to expose you, because it would mean your death."  
Kate stared at Gates, dumbstruck. She couldn't conjure up words at the idea that Gates had known about her faking her death. Gates, of all people, had kept her secret along with Lanie. Gates caught Kate's eye and shook her head. "Kate, if faking your death was that easy, people would do it all the time." There was a slight hint of a denigrating tone in her voice, but Kate couldn't bother to pay attention to it.  
"Anyway, with a little help from Lanie I got some detectives to keep an eye on you. Earlier the detectives came to my office and showed me a recording of the phone call that was made to you. You know the rest."

It took a while for Kate to regain her ability to speak. "Thank you, sir, and I'm sorry." She eventually managed to get out and Gates seemed to be inspecting her, before nodding and a small smile appeared on her face again. "I'm sure you had a good reason to run, Kate. Now go, I don't want to see you back here for a while. Go to your friends and talk to them. That is an order." She looked sternly from under her glasses and Kate let a relieved puff of air out in something of a laugh and nodded before walking out of the door.

* * *

She stood in front of his door, hesitant. She had been here before, but in times long past, before things had happened and words had been spoken. She had gone to his house immediately after Gates send her away. She knew she hadn't fixed things with Ryan and Esposito either, that she still had to have a lot of heart-to-hearts with Lanie, but her mind was too preoccupied with the look in Castle's eyes to think about that. She had to see him, she had to make him talk to her, because she couldn't bear his silence. She knocked again when no reply came and breathed nervously. She knew he wouldn't, but she _needed_ him to forgive her.

Alexis Castle opened the door. Her face immediately hardened when seeing the detective who had wrecked her father's heart and spirit. She didn't invite the detective in, slamming one of her hands against the doorpost as if to keep her out. Kate should have expected something like this, but seeing his daughter's eyes that reminded her so much of his own staring at her with undisguised anger, still hurt her.  
"Alexis…" she began. Starting out on an apology, but unable to bring it out. She kept her gaze focused on the young woman's eyes, hoping to convey everything she still had to say, to explain. "I need to see your father. I need to… talk to him." She bit her lip but kept her eyes focused on Alexis's. "Please. I need to explain this." She whispered, unconsciously playing with the ring around her neck. Alexis finally breathed and turned around before walking in too the loft.  
"He might not want to talk to you." She added in a voice that implied that she would _completely_ understand that.  
"How's he doing?" Kate whispered, but her apology went lost into the air.  
Alexis scoffed. "He was doing better when you were death." Kate knew she didn't mean the words the way she did, that she was just upset about her breaking his heart. Again. But it still hurt, the very idea that by coming back she had destroyed him again.  
She couldn't help but glance around the loft and what she saw struck her with an unexpected feeling of guilt. The lights were turned on in an effort to make the loft look bright and lively and there was a pleasant coffee smell in the air. But there were still things hinting at how Castle had spent his days lately. There was a bottle of liquor, nearly empty, on the coffee table. Her face filled a big screen that seemed to serve as a murder board and his laptop was lying on the table, still opened. She supposed Castle had been far from in the mood to clean up and Martha and Alexis had probably been too busy with others things to bother with it. Her gaze crossed his bookshelf and she halted at the Nikki Heat series. She title of the last book sprang into her eye. _Soaring Heat_. She hadn't read it yet, but she hoped he didn't kill Nikki off. She had to restrain herself from walking to his shelf and grabbing it, just for a minute to read the last page. She couldn't do that, not anymore. This was not her place to be anymore, she'd lost the right to anything here just as she'd lost the right to his heart. If she wanted it, she would have to claim it back.

She didn't know what she had expected, but Castle looked normal. Uncannily normal. His hair, his clothing, even his smell were as they'd always been. The only difference was the slight tension in his posture that betrayed the small smile on his face and the stone wall in his eyes. As soon as he saw her the smile disappeared from his face and for a second she caught a glimpse of sadness, anger and perhaps something of the reassuring blue she had come to love. Then without warning, he put a strained smile back on and cocked his head to her. "You cleaned up nicely detective." He smiled at his own joke, but his voice was as strained as his smile or his eyes. Defense mechanism, she realized, hiding whatever he felt behind his jokes, smiles and charm. He didn't mention what had happened, didn't mention her faking her death, didn't mention him seeing her die _again_. She wanted to talk about it, but seeing him desperately trying to hold himself together, to brush her off with jokes and smiles, made her want to walk out of his door and never return. She breathed and balled her fists against the urge.  
"Castle, don't do this." She repeated her words from earlier, but the look in his eyes didn't change. "We need to talk." She nervously tapped her fingers against her father's watch, willing for him to answer her. Castle flinched at her words.  
"I'm tired Beckett. I want to go to bed." There was no joke this time. Just a strain in his voice as he turned around and walked away from her. "Good night Beckett." He added before walking up his stairs. She had started walking after him, but his words stopped her dead in her tracks. She knew she had screwed up her chance at _Always_, but something in her had still expected _tomorrow_. She bit back her tears and turned around to walk out his door. Tears clogged her throat and were bursting to come out, but she wouldn't allow them. This was her fault.

Now it was her turn to wait.

* * *

I've always had a soft spot for Gates, haha. (That's a lie I hated her in the beginning)  
Not too sure about this chapter. R&R?


	11. Chapter 11

"Girl, I get he's upset, but you have to talk to him! And I do not mean talk about everything but what you actually _need_ to talk about!" Lanie gestured to her friend, the wine in the glass she was holding dangerously close to falling out. Kate sighed and rubbed her eyes over her temple. She hadn't slept a lot last night when she returned to her apartment after Castle refused to talk to her. Nightmares, worst-case-scenario's and something in between raging through her head every time she dared to close her eyes. Eventually, at three AM, she found herself sitting on her bed with her laptop searching, and reading, the first chapter of the new Nikki Heat book. His writing calmed her slightly, her dedication twisted her heart every time she read it, she remembered the first time she heard it. How he was standing there, trying to seem like the man he had once been before the reporters while he was burdened by her ring around his neck. She wouldn't ever get that image out of her head, and she was afraid he wouldn't either.  
"Lanie, I told you, he doesn't want to talk to me. I can't just barge in his door and…"  
"Kate! That is exactly what you need to do! He is building up his walls and if you don't break them down now, you will never get in again!" Lanie crossed her arms and stared down her friend.  
"Yeah but Lanie…"  
"Kate, do you want him back or not?" Kate sighed and bit her lip. Of course she wanted him back, but she couldn't bear him pushing her away again.

"What if he doesn't let me in? What if he doesn't love me anymore?" Kate eventually croaked out, trying to hold back her tears and keep her voice steady. Lanie sighed and stood up to sit next to her friend, putting her hand over her friend's.  
"He loves you. He told you, didn't he?"  
Kate bit her lip and shook her head, letting out a shaky breath, barely daring to speak. "No. I mean he did… Write it in his dedication. But only because he thought I was dead, just like when he thought I was dying on the cemetery. What if that's just…" She shook her head and held back the words that would undoubtedly be sobbed words.  
"Is that what you're worried about?" Lanie shook her head and went to sit in front of her friend so she could look into her eyes. "Kate, the guy is crazy about you. He might be trying not to, he might be trying to hide it, but I've seen the look in his eyes. Trust me Kate, he loves you. You just have to remind him." She whispered the last words. Kate felt tears welling up in her eyes and quickly wiped her eyes, avoiding Lanie's gaze. Eventually she let out a shaky breath, trying to make herself believe it, trying to be brave. To for once put her heart on the line, because that's what he had done for all those years with her. Now she had to be brave enough to do the same. Maybe it was like Royce had said. Risking our hearts is why we're alive.  
And after all: the last thing she wanted was to look back at her life and wonder "if only."

"Okay. I'll talk to him." She finally whispered, cleared her throat and repeated it. As if to ensure herself that she could, would, do this. "I'll talk to him."

* * *

He froze the moment he opened the door and found her standing in front of him. It ached somewhere deep inside him. A combination between pain that she hadn't trusted him, anger that she could have done this to him, and the all-consuming fear to have to go through that again. She saw the shimmer of unshed tears in her eyes, but forced himself to ignore it. He looked at the ring around her neck that, for some time, had been his only reminder of her. He had given it back to her without a word before he returned to the loft. He couldn't wear it anymore. Couldn't bear it around his neck like a noose.  
"Beckett." He finally rasped out, trying to keep his voice distant. He saw the brief flicker of sadness in her eyes, the way her eyes dropped to the ground for just a second and he knew he had succeeded. He saw she was nervous, but he couldn't bring himself to invite her in. She was still an apparition in front of him. Someone who didn't, shouldn't, be alive anymore. Like she would fly away from him every second. End up somewhere in a back alley, get shot in front of him and he'd have to through it, everything, again. And it was selfish, but he couldn't. He couldn't love her anymore. In the end, she'd tear a hole in him.

"Can I come in?" Kate breathed out and Castle nodded. He turned around and gestured towards his couch, but Kate didn't sit down.  
"Castle." He heard her voice tremble and had to fight an urge to reassure her, to try to make her feel better, but all he did was turn around and stare at her. Unmoving, untouchable. She breathed again and suddenly casted her eyes up towards his. "We need to talk." She repeated her words from yesterday. Her voice was still shaky, broke down halfway, but she also sounded sure of herself. She kept her eyes focused on him and Castle turned around, already walking away from her.  
"Well _I_ think we need some coffee. What kind of coffee would you like." Before he could move himself away from her, flee from the questions that would undoubtedly lead to more heartbreak, he felt her hand on his shoulder, forcibly turning him around. He suddenly found himself a lot closer to her than he'd been in weeks. He could see a nearly invisible tear escaping from her eye and stepped back as if he had been scorched at the sight. She couldn't do this, she shouldn't do this to him.  
"Rick, please." She whispered and put one hand on his cheek. His jaw twitched, his face hardened, but he didn't pull away. "Please listen to me." Castle didn't react, didn't even acknowledge her words. Kate took it as permission to explain herself. She tried to calm her breath, this could mean the end of everything, or the start of a new chance. She wanted that new chance, she wanted a chance at a happy life.  
"I had to do it, Castle. They would have killed you." She moved her thumb over his cheek before pulling it back and swallowing back her tears "I wouldn't have been able to live with that." She whispered, desperate for him to understand. Maybe he wouldn't ever forgive her, but he _had_ to understand why. She takes his hand in hers and tries to pull him closer to her.  
"I had to." He flatly replied and pulled his hand away from her. "Three times, you were dead three times." She hears his voice break out from behind the wall and it tears her heart apart. Because of course he build a wall. She'd built a wall and she had only lost someone she lost once. He had to watch her die, again. She wanted to touch him, to let him touch her, let him feel every scar, let him feel her heartbeat, she wanted him to know she was alive. She tentatively took his hand, tightened her grip around him when he tried to pull away. Slowly she pulled his hand towards her and carefully put her hand above her heart.  
"I'm alive." Kate whispered, desperate for him to feel it. Not to see it, not to hear it, but to _feel_ she was alive. Standing right in front of him. She traced her fingers over his, mouthing the words again, not being able to speak them anymore.

Castle felt her heartbeat battering under her chest against his hand. Inadvertedly stepping closer to her, for a moment forgetting the wall that he had built up. He briefly registered her other hand lifting up and pulling her shirt down so he could lay eyes upon her scar. His fingers went up to trace the edges of it, this thing, life and death at the same time. When he dared to lift his eyes back to her, he could see the tears streaming down her face for just a second, before she felt her lips feathering over his. She whispered something he didn't hear against his lips and pushed her lips against him again. For a moment his body betrayed him, his lips kissing her back in some urge that he hadn't been able to keep under restraint. His hands nearly betraying him, trying to wrap around her like the first time he felt her lips on his. But this wasn't right, this shouldn't happen. They both knew it.

"No." Castle croaked out against her lips and pushed her back. Away from him, stepped back to try to put as much space between them as possible. "No." He repeated and tried to turn around. She halted him by putting her hand on his arm and forcing him to look into her eyes. Her eyes were laid bare before him, no trace of any wall, he could tell every emotion in her eyes by name, but he could understand nothing about her anymore.  
"Castle…" Kate whispered.  
"You've made your choice Kate." He had to avoid her eyes to put his walls back up. When had she managed to break them down in the first place? "It's too late to stop now. They're going to kill you, and I'm not going to watch them." Kate flinched at his words, because something in them was true. She had chosen her mother's case over him. She had chosen justice over love. He was right, but he couldn't be. He wasn't allowed to be.

"Castle you don't know that." She tried to reassure him, but she knew it was a lie. They found her once, and then they found her again. She couldn't run, she couldn't hide and she couldn't stay. He was right, eventually she would end up dead, and he was just trying to spare himself the pain of losing her again. From hurting like that again. She couldn't blame him.  
"I do, and you do too." He answered her flatly.  
"But…" He seemed to hesitate for a moment. "There's something you need to know."

She didn't 'reply.

"Before Montgomery went into that hangar, he sent a package to someone…"

* * *

**Sorry for the late update. Not sure about this chapter, but I hope you like it anyway.**

**Still recovering from 'Watershed' by the way. Another hiatus of hell is waiting for us, my fellow Castle fans.**


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